I don't know when it was the specific moment that I woke up.
I was 3 years old when my mother started to study, so basically this is what I knew all my life. I got baptized when I was 20 years old after a lot of situations that supposed to make me lose my trust and love for Jehovah. Even when I was alone by that moment in the truth, I was really conviced that I was doing what it was necessary for my salvation. A lot happened before that day, a lot of unresolved situations that somehow I learned to 'let to jehovah' to fix it... I got baptized, years later I started pionering but then things started to change. The congregation in the one I grow up was very challenging. Never trusted on the elders because whatever you told them, well... it was public knowledge very fast... elders wife's had the nickname of "El correo de las brujas" (The Witch's Mail) So I was kind of a loner... I thought that as long I didn't get in trouble, I didn't need the elders on my business... but it was then when that the more studied the publications, the more I felt the contradictions.
I was never too interested into the story of the organization... I guess somehow I learned to not question anything and in my mind I really want to be able to said that I didn't knew anybody in case of persecution (so silliy) but when I had doubts, I was feeling horrible, like the worse person in the world because I learned that have doubts in the org, was having doubts on Jehovah. So I did what every good "Christian" will do inside the org... be quiet and pray more, be out in service more, read the bible more and not miss any meeting. But it was never enough... and the doubts were still there. That's is why I count around 10 years with this doubts that never dissapeared... and im not talking about doubts from the GB... it was the teachings... I never agree with the shunning, the disfelloship, I had doubts of the end of the system, the paradise, some things were too good to be true, others didn't make sense, but I wasn't that brave to go against what I was been told. The past 3 years were the most difficult ones... I started to doubt of the GB and the feeling of been failing to Jehovah because of that it was making me crazy. It was too overwelming to think that I had so much doubts and wasn't enough for been a good christian, I was feiling as a failure. At this point I wasn'T talking to Jehovah anymore, I just joined to whoever was praying and said amen by the end. Why he will listen to me when I am such a dissapointment?
This last year things got even worse in that area... but at the same time the doubts got more intense. I found myself just repeting thingS as a machine. I got to used to follow everything that was expected that I didn'T feel anything anymore. Somehow was this perfect Christian, who everyone had in this shelf in the high possition... I didn'T have the option to make any mistake... everyone was saying how good I was, but by the moment I decided to do something else with my life, everyone changed their opinion of me.
The last Regional Convention was a turning point for me. Seeing the members of the GB been so presumptuos and with such a huge lack of humility after to learn about the Australian Trail, for me was enough. After that, I make my decision and started planning my exit. I knew that isn't possible to get out clean. But I knew that if I shared my view of things, I could be label as an apostate, which by the end I am... and you know what? I am fine with that. I just planned my exit in a way that the elderS from my congregation weren'T able to claim a trial on me as an apostate.
So that is... the announcement of my disassociation was 3 weeks ago and the sense of freedom I got is great but I didn't dimentioned how much my mind was damaged with all the teachings. I just started to learn more about all the wrong on the organization and the GB or the translation of the bible. Some days the feeling of want to believe but feel so dissapointed on religion, is very overwhelming. Also the guilt... for looking in other sources. And the nightmares... were really bad for 2 months.
I know is a process and that I have to be patient but I am grateful to find more people that is going throught the same and that are sharing their experiences with all us.
I was 3 years old when my mother started to study, so basically this is what I knew all my life. I got baptized when I was 20 years old after a lot of situations that supposed to make me lose my trust and love for Jehovah. Even when I was alone by that moment in the truth, I was really conviced that I was doing what it was necessary for my salvation. A lot happened before that day, a lot of unresolved situations that somehow I learned to 'let to jehovah' to fix it... I got baptized, years later I started pionering but then things started to change. The congregation in the one I grow up was very challenging. Never trusted on the elders because whatever you told them, well... it was public knowledge very fast... elders wife's had the nickname of "El correo de las brujas" (The Witch's Mail) So I was kind of a loner... I thought that as long I didn't get in trouble, I didn't need the elders on my business... but it was then when that the more studied the publications, the more I felt the contradictions.
I was never too interested into the story of the organization... I guess somehow I learned to not question anything and in my mind I really want to be able to said that I didn't knew anybody in case of persecution (so silliy) but when I had doubts, I was feeling horrible, like the worse person in the world because I learned that have doubts in the org, was having doubts on Jehovah. So I did what every good "Christian" will do inside the org... be quiet and pray more, be out in service more, read the bible more and not miss any meeting. But it was never enough... and the doubts were still there. That's is why I count around 10 years with this doubts that never dissapeared... and im not talking about doubts from the GB... it was the teachings... I never agree with the shunning, the disfelloship, I had doubts of the end of the system, the paradise, some things were too good to be true, others didn't make sense, but I wasn't that brave to go against what I was been told. The past 3 years were the most difficult ones... I started to doubt of the GB and the feeling of been failing to Jehovah because of that it was making me crazy. It was too overwelming to think that I had so much doubts and wasn't enough for been a good christian, I was feiling as a failure. At this point I wasn'T talking to Jehovah anymore, I just joined to whoever was praying and said amen by the end. Why he will listen to me when I am such a dissapointment?
This last year things got even worse in that area... but at the same time the doubts got more intense. I found myself just repeting thingS as a machine. I got to used to follow everything that was expected that I didn'T feel anything anymore. Somehow was this perfect Christian, who everyone had in this shelf in the high possition... I didn'T have the option to make any mistake... everyone was saying how good I was, but by the moment I decided to do something else with my life, everyone changed their opinion of me.
The last Regional Convention was a turning point for me. Seeing the members of the GB been so presumptuos and with such a huge lack of humility after to learn about the Australian Trail, for me was enough. After that, I make my decision and started planning my exit. I knew that isn't possible to get out clean. But I knew that if I shared my view of things, I could be label as an apostate, which by the end I am... and you know what? I am fine with that. I just planned my exit in a way that the elderS from my congregation weren'T able to claim a trial on me as an apostate.
So that is... the announcement of my disassociation was 3 weeks ago and the sense of freedom I got is great but I didn't dimentioned how much my mind was damaged with all the teachings. I just started to learn more about all the wrong on the organization and the GB or the translation of the bible. Some days the feeling of want to believe but feel so dissapointed on religion, is very overwhelming. Also the guilt... for looking in other sources. And the nightmares... were really bad for 2 months.
I know is a process and that I have to be patient but I am grateful to find more people that is going throught the same and that are sharing their experiences with all us.
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